What I'm Doing

Making stuff to take to my sister's house. She and her husband decided this morning to have everyone over for a cookout, and I don't like to go empty-handed.

So I'm making a big pot of dirty rice. I also made a batch of my world-famous pepper spread. It's a condiment that I like to make to put on burgers. It's also a yummy dip.

I Am a Meme Addict

Another meme swiped from Dixie, who I miss more than she knows.

I am... deeply passionate. About my friends, my family, and making the world a better place.

I want... a cheesesteak sandwich on a toasted roll with lots of onions and peppers.

I wish... I wasn't so stupid about women.

I hate... how unaccepting society is of people who are different. Take it from a "different" guy: it sucks.

I miss... my maternal grandparents. My father's parents died before I was born, but my mother's parents were everything that grandparents are supposed to be -- and more.

I fear... George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

I hear... Psycho Squirrel on the balcony.

I wonder... if Harold will beat Tiffani on "Top Chef". I sure hope so.

I regret... not standing up for myself when my ex-wife screwed me to the wall during our divorce. The word "extortion" is the only word that fits what she did to me.

I am not... violent, and people sometimes use that against me.

I dance... slowly. I'm not a fast-dance kind of guy. I like to hold a woman in my arms and really lead her on the dance floor.

I sing... in the shower and in the car. There is a House Resolution being debated on Capitol Hill as to whether I should be allowed to sing anywhere other than the shower and the car.

I cry... when something really touches me or when I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I know it's not considered manly, but who cares. I'm sensitive, dammit. Women have incredible power to make me cry.

I am not always... as level-headed as I would like to be. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that really bothers me.

I make with my hands... beaded bracelets for the women in my life. I like to use hand-made glass beads, crystals, etc. I'll make bracelets for guys, too... but for them I use wood, bone, and stone. I also draw, paint, and am an amazing cook.

I write... every day. Blogging, letter-writing, fiction and non-fiction. I also write machine quotes at work.

I confuse... people when I tell them that I'm transgendered. "But you look like a man." Well, duh. I am a man. I was just born with the wrong accessories.

I need... the love of a good woman to feed my soul.

I should... iron my work clothes for the week.

I start... too many things with my eyes closed and my heart open.

I finish... after my lover. It's only right.

Cats and Rats

So a squrrel leapt from my balcony rail onto the screen door and just clung there upside down, chattering away. My back was to the door when it happened and it startled me, but my cats immediately ran up to the screen and started giving the squirrel shit.

Gilda: "You want a piece of me, ya fuckin' rat?"
Squirrel: "Bring it on, bitch!"
Milo: "You ain't no squirrel, squirrels have bushy tails. That looks like a toilet brush!"
Gilda: (turning around to demonstrate the rattlesnake tail technique) "Now, THAT'S a tail!"
Squirrel: "Bite me, fatty! Now let me in and show me the pantry!"
Gilda: (attempting to jump onto the screen) "Die, bitch! The tuna is mine!"
Squirrel: "Nyah, nyah, you can't get me. But next time your dad comes out here for a smoke I'm gonna bite his ass."
Milo: "Lucky for you I only have one eye."
Squirrel: "Fuck off, ya big pussy."

At this point I found the squirt bottle and sprayed the bushy rat until it leapt over to my neighbor's balcony. Of course, it came back several times to taunt the cats.

My real problem is, I really want a cigarette.

Soap Box Derby, Round 1

People are really beginning to piss me off.

I read The DaVinci Code, and found it to be a very cool book. It is, however – and everyone who slams the book and the movie simply because it presents a “what-if” scenario should remember this – a work of fiction, and that it is not uncommon for novelists to put fictional characters and events into real places and settings. It's called poetic license; and if it wasn't for poetic license, all fiction would be sci-fi. And I couldn't stomach that.

The DaVinci Code is fiction, people. Not a scripture. It's a novel.

It’s completely ridiculous to suggest that a book is “evil” or “harmful”, or that it should be banned because it disagrees with someone’s religious beliefs. I would like to personally introduce these people to a little something we call the First Amendment. It gives novelists like Dan Brown the right to pen a work of fiction, just as Bible-thumpers have the right to push their beliefs in everyone’s faces every single day. I would also like to remind them that this country was founded on freedom of religion. If you’re a Christian, more power to you and your convictions. Just don’t tell me that my beliefs are wrong, and don’t even try to make someone feel bad for reading a book or seeing a movie that you feel “threatens” your faith.

I was born into a Christian family. My father is Baptist, and my mother belonged to the Evangelical Covenant church. So the idea of Jesus Christ being the Messiah was very much on the front burner in our home, as far as faith goes.

I have, in recent years, experienced a crisis of faith, and have begun to question my beliefs; and I have, as a result, made the difficult decision to step away from Christianity and toward Judaism. That is not to say that I disrespect anyone’s religious convictions. My family is still Christian, as is the woman I love; and I have the deepest respect for their beliefs.

So why do some people choose to blur the line between passion and piety? Has God somehow granted these people a special right to tout their beliefs as the only true way of life, to deny others the right to offer different ideas even when packaged as fiction?

My older sister, who is committed to Christ as her savior, has read the book as well, and is excited to see the film. The big difference between my sister and Christians who hate or fear the story is that she is intelligent enough to accept that A) it is a work of fiction; B) everyone’s relationship with God and/or Christ is a very personal one; and C) Jesus was a man first.

Why would it be so difficult to believe that Jesus would not have taken a wife and had chilrden, as the Holy Father has instructed? It’s dangerous to limit yourself to a single idea, and the Catholic Church has been guilty of that for centuries. Galileo was censured for adopting Copernicus’ theory that the sun, and not the Earth, was the center of the universe. It was not until he recanted his belief in the Copernican universe before Pope Urban VIII that he was allowed to continue teaching.

Furthermore, why do people who criticize The DaVinci Code -- admittedly a work of fiction -- ignore the non-fiction work The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, which suggests the same theme of Jesus Christ having married Mary Magdalene and fathering at least one child?

I think the answer is pretty simple: The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail did not perform well in the marketplace, while The DaVinci Code has been on the New York Times bestseller list for three solid years and has attracted more media attention than any other book in recent memory.

I've also noticed that many of the same people who have problems distinguishing faith and fiction also think that the National Enquirer is a newspaper.

But that’s just me… exercising my First Amendment right.

Getting It

It doesn't take a brick thrown at my head to make me understand something.

In My Pants

This is kind of like the game where you add "... in bed" to the end of your fortune-cookie fortune. Here, just add "... in my pants" to the end of a movie title.

Add it to your blog, and have fun... in my pants!

• 50 First Dates in my pants
• Absolute Power in my pants
• American Beauty in my pants
• Any Given Sunday in my pants
• As Good As It Gets in my pants
• Baby Boom in my pants
• Bandits in my pants
• Beautiful Creatures in my pants
• Big in my pants
• Collateral in my pants
• Confidence in my pants
• The Contender in my pants
• Dante's Peak in my pants
• Deathtrap in my pants
• Die Hard in my pants
• Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in my pants
• Down With Love in my pants
• Drop Dead Gorgeous in my pants
• Eating Raoul in my pants
• Eden's Curve in my pants
• Ever After in my pants
• Fatal Attraction in my pants
• Final Destination in my pants
• Fools Rush In in my pants
• Frequency in my pants
• Gangs of New York in my pants
• Gladiator in my pants
• Heartbreakers in my pants
• High Fidelity in my pants
• The Incredibles in my pants
• It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in my pants
• The Italian Job in my pants
• Kill Bill in my pants
• The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in my pants
• The Long Kiss Goodnight in my pants
• Love Actually in my pants
• Major League in my pants
• Memoirs of a Geisha in my pants
• A Mighty Wind in my pants
• Monster's Ball in my pants
• The Natural in my pants
• Never Been Kissed in my pants
• Noises Off! in my pants
• Paycheck in my pants
• Peggy Sue Got Married in my pants
• Pleasantville in my pants
• Practical Magic in my pants
• The Quiet Man in my pants
• Shall We Dance in my pants
• Something's Gotta Give in my pants
• Speed in my pants
• There's Something About Mary in my pants
• Titanic in my pants
• Top Secret! in my pants
• Trading Places in my pants
• Traffic in my pants
• The Village in my pants
• WarGames in my pants
• The Warriors in my pants
• We Were Soldiers in my pants
• What Lies Beneath in my pants

Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word... But Not For Me

I am one sorry fucker.

I apologize for everything. Stepped on your toe? Oops, sorry. Missed a phone call? Sorry 'bout that. Misspoke? Oh, so sorry.

And if someone does something to me?

I apologize.

Sorry.

Squirrel Nutkin

I think one of my neighbors had a party last night and didn't clean up afterward, because at 7:30 this morning a squirrel entered their patio enclosure and emerged a minute later with a corn tortilla. I don't think it was able to manage the bottle of Jose Cuervo.

The Official Chicagoan's KV Love Mantra

You want to see KV in concert at the world-famous Schuba's. You will go to Ticketmaster.com and order tickets for Saturday's show. You will click on the icons to the right to order her CD. You will listen to her music non-stop and sing it in your car at the top of your lungs... You will worship KV as I do... Repeat after me... "I love KV... I love KV... I love KV... KV is the sexiest guitar babe of all time..."

My Theme Song

I woke up to who I am
Shook the clouds out of my head
Don't know where I'm going to
But I won't be where I've been
Starting from zero
I'll just try again

Want some New Year's revolution?
Bought my freedom
Now my will be done
Yeah, I'm gonna win this one
Out of the dark into the shining sun

How to turn confusion
Into automatic drive
Don't know why I stayed so long
Like a motion standing by
I've been losing, left unsatisfied

Get some action
Now my time has come
All the young guns wonder where I came from
Yeah, I'm gonna win this one
Out of the dark into the shining sun

Hang on, it goes fast
All gone in a flash

I woke up to who I am
Shook the clouds out of my head
Don't know where I'm going to
But I won't be where I've been
I'm gonna win this one

"Win"
Kathy Valentine
Supercharged Pop Songs (ASCAP)
from the CD "Light Years"
All For One Music

Today I Am...

Tired
Frustrated
Confused
Trying to remember to eat
Trying not to take Vicodin
Trying to learn to be a prick like other guys
Wishing I was less sensitive
Wishing I could take back my life

All Things Being (Un)equal, I'd Rather Be in Philadelphia

What the fuck is up with people making rules for friendship? Isn't friendship a kind of partnership? And shouldn't friends be equal partners?

People who impose regulations on interpersonal relationships remind of me of that line from "Animal Farm": "Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others."

What an incredible crock of shit.

It's like they're saying, "I like having you around as long as you're doing what I want; but as soon as I'm bored with you, you're going to have to go away."

People like this are generally famous for being able to give their attention to only one friend at a time. They make that friend feel like a superstar for a little while; and as soon as someone else catches their attention, they completely forget the person they recently couldn't do without. They're like kids who toss a favorite toy under the bed when a newer model comes along.

Another thing that bothers me is being lied to through a blanket of "kindness."

People who know me well also know that I really find it difficult to lie; even about trivial little things. For example:

Friend: Did you eat?
Me: Yes
Friend: Are you telling me the truth?
Me: No

I think the giveaway is the way I laugh quietly when I'm attempting to deliver the lie.

I can't lie. And I don't mind if you lie. Just don't fucking lie to me. Because that's deceit. And that implies that you think you can pull one over on me. Which in turn suggests that you think you're superior.

And no one should ever think that they're better than a friend.

At Least I Won't Have To Scrub the Kitchen Floor For a While

I saw Dr. Takata this evening after work to get the results of my MRI.

As I sat on the edge of the examining table, she stood next to me and went over the radiologist's report and explained his findings:

• The cruciate and lateral collateral ligaments are intact. What a relief.
• Mild edema overlying the medial collateral ligament suggesting a grade 1 strain. No meniscal tear is seen. Again, a relief. But the edema means that I have an excessive accumulation of fluid on my knee. Ugh.
• Mild degenerative spurring at the medial and lateral joint margins and mild thinning of medial femoral joint compartment articular cartilage. So the spurring suggests arthritis and the thinning cartilage means... well.. thinning cartilage.
• Diffuse marrow signal abnormality relatively increased on the water field echo sequence, decreased on T1 throughout the visualized femoral and tibial diaphyses. Huh?
• 1.4 cm ovoid focus of signal abnormality in the posterior aspect distal femoral diaphyses decreased signal on T1, increased on water field echo. This is well circumscribed and is of undetermined etiology. Correlation with plain radiography and bone scan may be helpful. That means a lesion on my femur, and Dr. Takata sent me back downstairs for an X-ray.
• There is a large joint effusion. Fluid seeping into the tissue.
• The quadriceps and matellar tendons are intact. Thank God.
• Degenerative spurs at the superior and inferior postrior patella poles. Say that ten times fast.
• Prominent lateral patella translation upon a developmentally shallow trochlear groove with diffuse loss of medial and lateral facet articular cartilage and mild subchondral edema within the inferior lateral facet. So my patella moves from side to side when it's really not supposed to; and all this time I thought I had a nifty party trick. And apparently it's because I don't have cartilage where I'm supposed to, which is a really nifty trick, because I've never had any removed.
• Medial and patellofemoral ligament and lateral patella retinacula are intact. No idea what that means, but as long as they're intact, I'm happy.
• Mild prepatellar bursitis. Yea, bursitis. And I'm only 42 years old.

As a footnote, my bum knee does not make me old. Forty-two is not old -- it's young! And soon, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, my knee will be better than new.