The King of Positivity

I'm happy!

I'm sure that there are some of you out there scratching your heads and thinking, "WTF? Jake is happy? Where the hell did that come from?"

Where it came from is work. While my day is long and stressful, my job brought an amazing woman into my life. She gets me like no one ever has, and respects who I am. She is brilliant and funny and her sense of humor is very much like mine. She is so incredibly beautiful that I have to catch my breath every time I look at her, and I sometimes stop and think to myself, "Oh my God, how did I get so lucky?"

She loves Bears football.

Her cats adore me, and my cats adore her. My mother thinks she's a peach.

And I love her completely and unconditionally.

Low Ebb

I've been caught in a creative dry spell for several months, and it's driving me crazy.

20 WAYS TO STAY SANE

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put de-caf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom."
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Walk up behind a stranger on the street and say, "Excuse me, you dropped your finger." And then watch them look down.

Bad Boy

I'm at work. I'm bored. I thought I'd say hi to everyone who misses me.

I'm a bad boy.

Meme for a Musical Afternoon

Ha! Another meme swiped from Dixie, who in turn swiped it from her pal, Katya, who, according to Dix, "has a blog that talks about music and books is who I stole it from but it originated here. Ever wanted to know who Person Zero was when it came to a meme? Now you know."

Here are the rules as Bookhart wrote them:

The idea behind the blog is that it's about music, and that you can put up to three answers to any question. But no more. One answer is OK, two answers is OK, three answers is OK. Four is not OK, and five is right out. Unless otherwise indicated, you can only choose songs, and be specific--putting "anything by Madonna" doesn't count.

NAME UP TO THREE:

Song(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being
"Afternoon Delight" - Starland Vocal Band
That fucking "Woo hoo" song that Vonage adopted for its radio and TV advertising.
Any song involving more than a nanosecond of whistling

Musical Artist(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being
Mariah Carey
Whitney "Crack is whack" Houston
Anyone who whistles

Rolling Stones Song(s) I Love
"Little T&A"
"Sympathy for the Devil"
"Gimme Shelter"

Beatles Song(s) I Love*
"I've Just Seen a Face"
"Tomorrow Never Knows"
"Across the Universe"

Who Song(s) I Love
"I Can't Explain"
"The Kids Are Alright"
"Substitute"

Reggae Song(s) I Love
"Fire of Heaven/ Altar of Earth" - Matisyahu**
"Jerusalem" - Matisyahu**
"Salom/ Salaam" - Matusyahu**

Country Song(s) I Love
"Ring Of Fire" - Johnny Cash
"Western Stars" - k.d. lang
"Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" - k.d. lang

Movie Soundtrack(s) I Love
"Pulp Fiction"
"Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"
"Grease"

Musical Soundtrack(s) I Love
"Jesus Christ, Superstar"
"Oklahoma!"

Cover Song(s) I Love
"Across the Universe" - Fiona Apple (orig. The Beatles)
"September Gurls" - The Bangles (orig. Alex Chilton)
"Sway" - The Pussycat Dolls (orig. Dean Martin)

Contemporary Top-40 Artist(s) I Secretly Love
The Pussycat Dolls
Kelly Clarkson
Corinne Bailey Rae

Song(s) That Bring Me to Tears
"I Think It's Going to Rain Today" - Bette Midler
"Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye" - Annie Lennox

Song(s) That Make Me Shake My Ass***
"Sway" - Dean Martin or Pussycat Dolls

Classical Composer(s) I Love
Aaron Copland****
George Gershwin****

Rap/Hip-Hop Song(s) I Love
"Mama Said Knock You Out" - L L Cool J

70s Disco Song(s) I Love
"Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel" - Tavares
"I Feel Love" - Donna Summer
"Jungle Boogie" - Kool & the Gang

70s Supergroup Song(s) I Love
"Time for Me to Fly" - REO Speedwagon
"Feelin' That Way/ Any Time" - Journey
"Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas

Metal Song(s) I Love
"(Don't) Fear The Reaper" - Blue Öyster Cult
"Rock and Roll" - Led Zeppelin
"Born to Be Wild" - Steppenwolf

New Wave Song(s) I Love
"Psycho Killer" - Talking Heads
"Picture This" - Blondie
"Heaven" - Eurogliders

Soul/R&B Song(s) I Love
"Chain of Fools" - The Commitments
"I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby" - Barry White
"No Scrubs" - TLC

Power Ballad(s) I Love
"November Rain" - Guns n' Roses
"Love Song" - Tesla
"Baby Blue" - Badfinger

Pre 1950s Song(s) I Love
"What a Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
"From This Moment On" - Lena Horne
"Take the A Train" - Glenn Miller

Punk Song(s) I Love
"London Calling" - The Clash
"Should I Stay or Should I Go?" - The Clash
"Know Your Rights" - The Clash

Singer/Songwriter Song(s) I Love
"(We Have) No Secrets" - Carly Simon
"Smackwater Jack" - Carole King
"True Companion" - Marc Cohn

MTV Video(s) I Love
"Beautiful Stranger" - Madonna
"Kiss Me Deadly" - Lita Ford
"Here I Go Again" - Whitesnake

Song(s) To Have Sex To
"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" - Roberta Flack
"Wicked Game" - Chris Isaak
"Supernova" - Liz Phair

None Of The Above Song(s) I Love
"Surrender" - Louise Goffin
"Time Waits For No One" - The Graces
"Sexy Hypnotist" - Luscious Jackson

* Easily one of my favorite bands. It's quite difficult to select only three songs, so I narrowed it down to the three that I hit the Repeat button on the most often.

** Who is Matisyahu, you ask? I wanna know why you DON'T know Matisyahu =P

*** I don't shake my ass in the classical sense. But I am good at ballroom, and "Sway" is a great song to dance to.

****In case you're protesting, Copland and Gershwin were classical composers. So there.

Lost and Found

Hell's bells. I haven't posted in almost three weeks. So much has happened, which is probably why I haven't posted in almost three weeks. So here goes:

1. LOST: Job. FOUND: Better job. I lost one job and found a new one. The job I lost I was about to quit anyway because the president of the company was giving me chest pains every time he walked into my office. He's so bad that even his son, who works for the company, can't stand him. This was on top of the fact that my duties no longer represented the job description as it was when I was hired. So I was able to file for unemployment. The downside is that filing for unemployment in Illinois is a horrible process and you can never get a real person on the phone if you have questions. But I did find a new job in a relatively short time and have been there for two weeks now. My new employer is so big and important that, if you work for a Fortune 500 company, chances are that my company has something to do with you personally. And I'll never forget my hire date because I started on my birthday.
2. LOST: 30s. FOUND: Dorian Gray. Which brings me to that milestone. Since last we spoke, I turned 43. I know that most people don't consider 43 a milestone, but to me it represents being firmly entrenched in my forties. Until then, I thought of myself as being just barely in my forties, or that I was 39-plus. So far, 43 hasn't been too bad. People still think I'm at least ten years younger, and on the second day of company orientation (everyone has to go through 2 1/2 days of getting to know the company before starting their job-specific training), another new hire flirted outrageously with me. I enjoyed it until she told me that she's 18. I have absolutely no problem with a younger woman's interest but I do draw the line when she's 25 years younger than I am.
3. LOST: One Saturday sleep-in. FOUND: One fun Saturday night. My mom retired and asked me to bake corn muffins for her retirement party. So on the day of her party I got up at the butt-crack of dawn and baked. And baked. She had almost 100 guests so I baked some more until, at noon, I decided that 12 dozen corn muffins was enough. And, for your information, I do not use a mix. I always bake from scratch. The party was a blast, and I didn't even drink.
4. LOST: Several loud sport shirts. FOUND: A sweater I thought I'd already disposed of. I have been cleaning out my closet. It's big. I found a hideous sweater that the bride of Satan bought for me. I could have sworn that I got rid of it. On the other hand, I can't find my favorite sport shirts. We've officially gone "casual" at work and I want those shirts.
5. LOST: Several hours in front of the tube. FOUND: Immense science-geek satisfaction. I'm a CSI junkie, so I've been watching a lot of CSI on DVD.
6. LOST: My mind. FOUND: My annual guilty pleasure. Summer is here, and Big Brother is on.

That reminds me: I owe you a Big Brother entry.

Who Will Cry For Mary Cheney?

Poor Mary. She received a $1 million advance from Threshold Editions to pen her political memoir, "Now It's My Turn: A Daughter's Chronicle of Political Life", and it's not selling nearly as many copies as they had anticipated.

Poor Mary. She hates doing interviews to promote her book. In fact, she hates it so much that I'll bet someone put a gun to her head and made her write it.

Poor Mary. She doesn't understand why the LGBT community has turned against her or why no one in the LGBT community will buy her book.

Poor Mary. She doesn't have the balls to stand up to her father's party when they're trying to make it a crime for her to marry the woman she loves.

Who will cry for Mary Cheney? Not me.

Cock of the Walk

Sometimes I remember who I am.

Being Jake is so natural to me that every so often I stop and think, "Oh, yeah. I'm transgendered."

That is not to say that it's something that I've consciously put on the back burner, because it isn't. There are moments, several times a day, when I think, "Ugh. I hate my body." Or, "Fuck, I wish I could just have surgery and feel better about myself."

But once in a while the fact that I'm transgendered -- and the impact of what it means -- really hits me.

What's to stop someone from beating me to death for the crime of being different? "Hate crime" is still a new concept in this country, and for all of the bluster in the District of Columbia promising harsh punishment for those convicted, just charging someone with a hate crime in this country is still like walking through a political mine field.

It's only been 3 1/2 years since Gwen Araujo was beaten and strangled, and then buried in a shallow grave by a group of young men who discovered that she was transgendered. Just a few short years ago; and while two were convicted of murder and two pleaded guilty to charges of manslaughter, not one of them was ever charged with a hate crime.

Signing hate crime legislature makes for good press if you're a politician, but to those of us who see it as that thin line between being worthwhile or worthless to society, it doesn't mean shit if you won't back it up.

Work vs. Prison

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 8'x10' cell
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6'x8' cubicle

IN PRISON you get three meals a day
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal, and you have to pay for it!

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work

IN PRISION a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games

IN PRISON you get your own toilet
AT WORK you have to share with the masses

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK you're discouraged from even speaking to family and friends

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic
AT WORK they are called managers

Reality Summer

Okay, summer is officially here - in TV terms.

"Treasure Hunters," which seems to be the love child of "Amazing Race" and National Treasure, premiered last night on NBC; and "Big Brother," my one really guilty pleasure - the show that I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I watch but never miss anyway - premieres (sort of) on June 21st.

I love "Amazing Race." High drama and geography. How can you beat that? I enjoy watching underdog teams pull themselves up by their bootstraps and come from behind to win. I pray each week that teams with socially stunted and/or morally reprehensible players (read: Colin and Christie) are eliminated. And I love, love, love the scenery.

So when I heard that "Treasure Hunters" would be premiering this summer, I was intrigued. Combining the historical and puzzle-solving elements of National Treasure with a globe-trotting race is just too perfect. And, as on "Amazing Race," the players are teams from all factions of American life.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

On "Treasure Hunters," though, they are teams of three instead of two: and the players get to name their own teams. So I found it both ironic and hysterical that the self-proclaimed "Geniuses" disregarded the instructions given them when they boarded their bus with the Young Professionals and instructed their driver to take them to Mt. Roosevelt instead of Mt. Rushmore.

The Young Professionals figured out that they were at the wrong site and informed the Geniuses, and they were the last 2 teams to arrive at Mt. Rushmore. They split up and the Geniuses got to the final puzzle as the Wild Hanlons were making several pathetic attempts to open the combination box. Pat Hanlon, a business owner who was clearly in over his mullet, hid the last remaining box before the Geniuses showed up, and then offered an alliance if they would help him with the puzzle.

The Geniuses showed a clear lack of thought in agreeing and opened the Hanlons' box for them before they even found their own. How dumb was that? They eventually found the ninth box and became the final team to qualify for the next round. The Young Professionals showed up too late and were eliminated.

This year's edition of "Big Brother" is an All-Stars competition and, from a field of twenty previous players, viewers get to pick the twelve they most want to see back in the Big Brother house.

Call me boring, but I can't stand the players who cause the most uproar and controversy, and would cringe if the house was filled with the people I disliked the most. I know that the odds are pretty good that the house will be filled with more socially-deficient people than you can shake a stick at. I just don't have to like it.

Let me think about this... and I'll post who I'd like to see in the house.

"63 Things About" Meme

My birthday is fast approaching. I was born in 1963. Therefore, I present 63 things you probably didn't know about me.

1) How old do you wish you were?
18. I’d kind of like to start over and start my transition earlier than I did.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In my office cleaning data. Lynn came in and told me that a plane had just flown into the WTC. I said it wasn’t funny and that Manhattan is a no-fly zone. The look on her face got me off my seat and into Stuart’s office, where there was a TV.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Tip it to try and get my selection out of the wheel of death.

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Absolutely.

5) If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I already have 2. I don’t want another one.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
I know the ones next-door. They’re my nephew and his girlfriend.

8) What do you consider a vacation/holiday?
That depends on how many days I have off.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
Nah.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yep.

11) Are you touchy feely?
Not with strangers or mere acquaintances.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes but they also repel.

13) Dream job?
Writing for a living.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
All of the Discovery Channels.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
My sister’s house.

16) Showers or Baths?
Shower.

17) Do you paint your nails?
Um… NO.

18) Do you trust people easily?
Only until they give me a reason not to.

19) What are your phobias?
Heights.

20) Do you want kids?
Someday… maybe.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Handwritten??? Good God, no. I haven’t written by hand since I got my first computer. Now I blog.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
In bed.

23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
My sister and her family.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
That depends on the meds I took before I went to bed.

25) Are you paranoid?
No… should I be?

26) Are you impatient?

I can be.

27) Who can you relate to?
Everyone.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Fine by me. Love is what you find on the inside, not the outside.

29) Have you been burned by love?
Yes. Thanks for reminding me.

30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
I don’t use lines.

31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
I keep my phone on vibrate.

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

33) What did the last text on your mobile phone say?
I don’t remember.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine.

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
White.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
”Happy Endings”

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
At ALL times? Head hair, facial hair and body hair.

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Tan and sage green

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
None. I’m not wearing anything that has pockets. But there’s probably $12.00 in the zipper pocket of my DayTimer.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Breast.

41) What's your favorite town/city?
Chicago.

42) I can't wait till:
I get a new job.

43) Who got you to join Blogspot?

I read about it 2 years ago in an article about the Washingtonienne (the Capitol Hill intern who screwed everyone on the Hill and blogged about it). So, yeah. A cheap slut got me to join.

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
Black beans and rice.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5' 6 ½”

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
I thought heroin was something you shot up. See how much I know about drugs?

47) Do you own a gun?
Nope.

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Diet Coke.

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My charm.

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
Nope.

51) What time did you wake up today?
6:00

52) Current worry?
Finding a new job.

53) Current hate?
My body.

54) Favorite place to be?
In bed with someone.

55) Where would you like to travel?
The UK, Germany, Italy… a lot of places.

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
I have no idea.

57) Last thing you ate?
A chicken sandwich.

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
”Bless Yore Beautiful Hide”

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
An editorial cartoon about Ann Coulter.

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
When I was 18 my drunk and stoned roommate got mad and slammed my arm in the door and broke all three bones at the elbow. Ouch.

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
Probably not.

62) What's your favorite candy?
Snickers.

63) What song do you want played at your funeral?
”Nashville”.

Back-to-Back Jacks Propel Northwestern to an All-Wildcats Final

My heart can’t take much more.

In a thrilling 3-1 win over NCAA powerhouse UCLA, the Northwestern Wildcats showed everyone that the Big Ten does, indeed, have a place in the Women’s College World Series. For the first time in school history, Northwestern has advanced to its first WCWS championship series and tallied its first-ever 50-win season (50-13). They will face Arizona tonight at 7 p.m. (CDT).

The Wildcats are the only undefeated team remaining in the WCWS, and their power at-bat was evident in the three home runs they scored yesterday.

Senior catcher Jamie Dotson got the rally started at the top of the second inning by driving a 2-0 pitch from UCLA hurler Anjelica Selden over the right field wall to give Northwestern a 1-0 lead.

Junior ace pitcher Eileen Canney allowed the Bruins just three hits in the first six innings; but she also walked a pair and had to work out of a bases-loaded jam in the second inning, getting Tara Henry to ground out to short with two outs, as Tammy Williams made a nice running throw on the speedy outfielder's infield chopper.

UCLA struggled toward a comeback in the bottom of the seventh, getting three hits off Canney. Jodie Legaspi led off with a double down the third-base line. After a sacrifice bunt moved her to third, Canney got a groundout to Darcy Sengewald for the second out of the frame. Then Kristen Dedmon’s pinch-hit single allowed Legaspi to cross the plate with the game's tying run.

Going into extra innings, the Wildcats dugout knew that they had to make their next three at-bats count, and neither freshman Tammy Williams nor junior Garland Cooper disappointed.

With back-to-back homers, they brought the crowd to its feet and crushed any hopes of Bruins sophomore pitcher Anjelica Selden salvaging the game for her team. Selden, who last year suffered a similar extra-inning fate in Game 3 of the championship series when Michigan's Samantha Findlay took her deep, Williams and Cooper provided the final margin in Northwestern's 3-1 win.

Last night’s win gives Northwestern the opportunity to become the second Big Ten team in a row, and the second ever, to win the national title.

What I'm Doing

Making stuff to take to my sister's house. She and her husband decided this morning to have everyone over for a cookout, and I don't like to go empty-handed.

So I'm making a big pot of dirty rice. I also made a batch of my world-famous pepper spread. It's a condiment that I like to make to put on burgers. It's also a yummy dip.

I Am a Meme Addict

Another meme swiped from Dixie, who I miss more than she knows.

I am... deeply passionate. About my friends, my family, and making the world a better place.

I want... a cheesesteak sandwich on a toasted roll with lots of onions and peppers.

I wish... I wasn't so stupid about women.

I hate... how unaccepting society is of people who are different. Take it from a "different" guy: it sucks.

I miss... my maternal grandparents. My father's parents died before I was born, but my mother's parents were everything that grandparents are supposed to be -- and more.

I fear... George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

I hear... Psycho Squirrel on the balcony.

I wonder... if Harold will beat Tiffani on "Top Chef". I sure hope so.

I regret... not standing up for myself when my ex-wife screwed me to the wall during our divorce. The word "extortion" is the only word that fits what she did to me.

I am not... violent, and people sometimes use that against me.

I dance... slowly. I'm not a fast-dance kind of guy. I like to hold a woman in my arms and really lead her on the dance floor.

I sing... in the shower and in the car. There is a House Resolution being debated on Capitol Hill as to whether I should be allowed to sing anywhere other than the shower and the car.

I cry... when something really touches me or when I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I know it's not considered manly, but who cares. I'm sensitive, dammit. Women have incredible power to make me cry.

I am not always... as level-headed as I would like to be. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that really bothers me.

I make with my hands... beaded bracelets for the women in my life. I like to use hand-made glass beads, crystals, etc. I'll make bracelets for guys, too... but for them I use wood, bone, and stone. I also draw, paint, and am an amazing cook.

I write... every day. Blogging, letter-writing, fiction and non-fiction. I also write machine quotes at work.

I confuse... people when I tell them that I'm transgendered. "But you look like a man." Well, duh. I am a man. I was just born with the wrong accessories.

I need... the love of a good woman to feed my soul.

I should... iron my work clothes for the week.

I start... too many things with my eyes closed and my heart open.

I finish... after my lover. It's only right.

Cats and Rats

So a squrrel leapt from my balcony rail onto the screen door and just clung there upside down, chattering away. My back was to the door when it happened and it startled me, but my cats immediately ran up to the screen and started giving the squirrel shit.

Gilda: "You want a piece of me, ya fuckin' rat?"
Squirrel: "Bring it on, bitch!"
Milo: "You ain't no squirrel, squirrels have bushy tails. That looks like a toilet brush!"
Gilda: (turning around to demonstrate the rattlesnake tail technique) "Now, THAT'S a tail!"
Squirrel: "Bite me, fatty! Now let me in and show me the pantry!"
Gilda: (attempting to jump onto the screen) "Die, bitch! The tuna is mine!"
Squirrel: "Nyah, nyah, you can't get me. But next time your dad comes out here for a smoke I'm gonna bite his ass."
Milo: "Lucky for you I only have one eye."
Squirrel: "Fuck off, ya big pussy."

At this point I found the squirt bottle and sprayed the bushy rat until it leapt over to my neighbor's balcony. Of course, it came back several times to taunt the cats.

My real problem is, I really want a cigarette.

Soap Box Derby, Round 1

People are really beginning to piss me off.

I read The DaVinci Code, and found it to be a very cool book. It is, however – and everyone who slams the book and the movie simply because it presents a “what-if” scenario should remember this – a work of fiction, and that it is not uncommon for novelists to put fictional characters and events into real places and settings. It's called poetic license; and if it wasn't for poetic license, all fiction would be sci-fi. And I couldn't stomach that.

The DaVinci Code is fiction, people. Not a scripture. It's a novel.

It’s completely ridiculous to suggest that a book is “evil” or “harmful”, or that it should be banned because it disagrees with someone’s religious beliefs. I would like to personally introduce these people to a little something we call the First Amendment. It gives novelists like Dan Brown the right to pen a work of fiction, just as Bible-thumpers have the right to push their beliefs in everyone’s faces every single day. I would also like to remind them that this country was founded on freedom of religion. If you’re a Christian, more power to you and your convictions. Just don’t tell me that my beliefs are wrong, and don’t even try to make someone feel bad for reading a book or seeing a movie that you feel “threatens” your faith.

I was born into a Christian family. My father is Baptist, and my mother belonged to the Evangelical Covenant church. So the idea of Jesus Christ being the Messiah was very much on the front burner in our home, as far as faith goes.

I have, in recent years, experienced a crisis of faith, and have begun to question my beliefs; and I have, as a result, made the difficult decision to step away from Christianity and toward Judaism. That is not to say that I disrespect anyone’s religious convictions. My family is still Christian, as is the woman I love; and I have the deepest respect for their beliefs.

So why do some people choose to blur the line between passion and piety? Has God somehow granted these people a special right to tout their beliefs as the only true way of life, to deny others the right to offer different ideas even when packaged as fiction?

My older sister, who is committed to Christ as her savior, has read the book as well, and is excited to see the film. The big difference between my sister and Christians who hate or fear the story is that she is intelligent enough to accept that A) it is a work of fiction; B) everyone’s relationship with God and/or Christ is a very personal one; and C) Jesus was a man first.

Why would it be so difficult to believe that Jesus would not have taken a wife and had chilrden, as the Holy Father has instructed? It’s dangerous to limit yourself to a single idea, and the Catholic Church has been guilty of that for centuries. Galileo was censured for adopting Copernicus’ theory that the sun, and not the Earth, was the center of the universe. It was not until he recanted his belief in the Copernican universe before Pope Urban VIII that he was allowed to continue teaching.

Furthermore, why do people who criticize The DaVinci Code -- admittedly a work of fiction -- ignore the non-fiction work The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, which suggests the same theme of Jesus Christ having married Mary Magdalene and fathering at least one child?

I think the answer is pretty simple: The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail did not perform well in the marketplace, while The DaVinci Code has been on the New York Times bestseller list for three solid years and has attracted more media attention than any other book in recent memory.

I've also noticed that many of the same people who have problems distinguishing faith and fiction also think that the National Enquirer is a newspaper.

But that’s just me… exercising my First Amendment right.

Getting It

It doesn't take a brick thrown at my head to make me understand something.

In My Pants

This is kind of like the game where you add "... in bed" to the end of your fortune-cookie fortune. Here, just add "... in my pants" to the end of a movie title.

Add it to your blog, and have fun... in my pants!

• 50 First Dates in my pants
• Absolute Power in my pants
• American Beauty in my pants
• Any Given Sunday in my pants
• As Good As It Gets in my pants
• Baby Boom in my pants
• Bandits in my pants
• Beautiful Creatures in my pants
• Big in my pants
• Collateral in my pants
• Confidence in my pants
• The Contender in my pants
• Dante's Peak in my pants
• Deathtrap in my pants
• Die Hard in my pants
• Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in my pants
• Down With Love in my pants
• Drop Dead Gorgeous in my pants
• Eating Raoul in my pants
• Eden's Curve in my pants
• Ever After in my pants
• Fatal Attraction in my pants
• Final Destination in my pants
• Fools Rush In in my pants
• Frequency in my pants
• Gangs of New York in my pants
• Gladiator in my pants
• Heartbreakers in my pants
• High Fidelity in my pants
• The Incredibles in my pants
• It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in my pants
• The Italian Job in my pants
• Kill Bill in my pants
• The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in my pants
• The Long Kiss Goodnight in my pants
• Love Actually in my pants
• Major League in my pants
• Memoirs of a Geisha in my pants
• A Mighty Wind in my pants
• Monster's Ball in my pants
• The Natural in my pants
• Never Been Kissed in my pants
• Noises Off! in my pants
• Paycheck in my pants
• Peggy Sue Got Married in my pants
• Pleasantville in my pants
• Practical Magic in my pants
• The Quiet Man in my pants
• Shall We Dance in my pants
• Something's Gotta Give in my pants
• Speed in my pants
• There's Something About Mary in my pants
• Titanic in my pants
• Top Secret! in my pants
• Trading Places in my pants
• Traffic in my pants
• The Village in my pants
• WarGames in my pants
• The Warriors in my pants
• We Were Soldiers in my pants
• What Lies Beneath in my pants

Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word... But Not For Me

I am one sorry fucker.

I apologize for everything. Stepped on your toe? Oops, sorry. Missed a phone call? Sorry 'bout that. Misspoke? Oh, so sorry.

And if someone does something to me?

I apologize.

Sorry.

Squirrel Nutkin

I think one of my neighbors had a party last night and didn't clean up afterward, because at 7:30 this morning a squirrel entered their patio enclosure and emerged a minute later with a corn tortilla. I don't think it was able to manage the bottle of Jose Cuervo.