Thank U

I am a deeply appreciative person. If you do something nice for me or make me feel good, I'm gonna let you know. I don't believe in letting good feelings lie under the surface because God forbid I don't say anything and then I get hit by a bus. Then how would you know that you've made a difference in my life?

So thank you to my angels and my saviors, my friends and family, my lovers and confidantes for making me the man that I am. For believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. For lifting me up and holding me high. For kicking me in the ass when I needed it and kissing me where it hurt.

I love you.

I mean that.

The Greatest Light

I was looking through a box of articles and papers and speeches I've written; and hidden amongst the crap and the mundane and the sometimes brilliant, was a speech I'd written to introduce Dr. Marilyn K. Volker as the keynote speaker at the 1994 South Florida Gender Symposium for medical and mental health professionals.

I won't get into the flowery details, but the crux of my introduction was to verify Marilyn's importance in the gender community to the attendees, and I opened my speech by quoting Edith Wharton in Vesalius in Zante: "There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."

I added that Marilyn was both: she was the candle, showing us our way out of the dark; and she was the mirror, reflecting our light and helping us to see ourselves more clearly.

How lucky I was that Marilyn was not only my therapist in the early years of my transition, but also my good friend. I helped her to educate her Human Sexuality classes by sitting on a panel comprised of various members of the gender community several times a year. She was there whenever I needed her, and counseled me when I was in the death throes of a long and abusive relationship. When I married a few years later, she sent a wonderful wedding gift with her apologies for being unable to attend the ceremony.

She was my savior when I truly needed saving, and I miss talking to her; especially when I need a few words of wisdom sprinkled liberally with her unique brand of humor. And a reminder to practice safe sex.

I need to write one more thing. I need to write Marilyn a letter.

Twelve Things You Never Knew About Me

1. I have a chart that I refer to when I need to wear a dress shirt and tie, and it tells me what goes with what. I have so many of both that it saves me a lot of time. And God knows I'm not about wasting time.
2. My grandfather called me "Stick" when I was a kid. I was tall for my age and quite gangly, so I suppose it was appropriate. I miss my grandfather.
3. If I had a son I'd name him Jacob Howard. Howard was my grandfather's name, and when I changed my name I took his middle name as my last name.
4. When I like something, I tend to buy multiples. Especially clothing. It works for me.
5. I taught myself to read when I was four years old, and shocked the shit out of my mother.
6. When I was thirteen I carved an "X" in my nine-year-old sister's forehead with a nut pick. She still has the scar and my mom just about killed me.
7. I can recite the Preamble to the Constitution but I have to sing it. "Schoolhouse Rock", ya know.
8. Nude portraiture is my specialty. And I'm damn good at it.
9. I once went four days without sleeping when my pulmonologist prescribed a new pill for my asthma.
10. When I was a bridge captain many years ago, I had an injured,very unhappy pelican in the bridge house while I waited for my friend from the bird sanctuary to arrive. Unhappy pelicans are not good houseguests.
11. I can drive a tractor.
12. If I could do it all over again, I would. I'd just like to be able to see a few roadbumps next time.

A Smack in the Kisser

I realized this morning, as I stood in my secret vault walk-in closet surrounded by my friends clothes, that no one is as obsessed with interested in what I wear as I am. And I don't know why, for I look fucking hot am a really sharp dresser.

Love in black and white

I swiped this meme from my dear and beloved Dixie, who in turn swiped it from Traveller One. Those of you who know me well are aware that I would absolutely die without reading material, and the better the book the happier I am. Books are friends, and I love my friends.

Meme instructions: Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you've read, italicize the ones you might read, cross out the ones you won't, underline the ones on your book shelf, and place parentheses around the ones you've never even heard of. Extra commentary by me on select novels.

The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown... Read it twice, looking forward to the movie. "Angels and Demons" was a more fascinating read, though -- at least for me.
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger... The hero and the anti-hero rolled into one frustrated teenager. I love you, JD Salinger.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams... I believe I was high the first time I read this book. It's interesting and often quite funny, but I'm not really into that kind of fiction. Maybe if I had an Alice B Toklas brownie...
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald... One of my favorites. It takes a bit of patience to get into if you're not a Fitzgerald efficianado, but it's well worth the effort.
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee... It's always been a favorite, and now I can't even hear or read the title without thinking about my friend Finch, whose mother was a fan of the book as well.
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
(His Dark Materials) - Philip Pullman
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling... I'm sorry, Dix, but I am so not into Harry Potter. Chicks dig him, but I don't.
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Animal Farm - George Orwell... "Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others." Need I say more?
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller... John Yossarian is my hero.
The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien... I heart Bilbo Baggins.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
Lord of the Flies - William Golding... Disturbing even today but one of the greatest novels ever written.
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin... Flawless. Timeless. I heart Elizabeth Bennet.
1984 - George Orwell
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling... See "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez... Richly-tapestried storytelling. One of my all-time favorites.
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden... Okay, I cried when I read this. They were manly-man tears, but I cried. I love this book.
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold... The single-most riveting book I've read in the past few years; and, even though it opened old wounds from my own childhood, I couldn't put it down.
Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte... As much as I love this book, I always wanna smack the shit out of Catherine and Heathcliff.
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis... I haven't read it since I was nine. Maybe I'll read it again this weekend.
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides... I love his writing, and this is a book that you fall into. Lush and inviting.
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell... Bought it but still have to read it.
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte... The ultimate class-war novel.
Atonement - Ian McEwan... Once upon a time Ian McEwan dreamed and when he did, he channeled Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Beautiful writing, interesting characters.
The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Safon
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway... I loved this book when I was 13. Now I hate it. Sharks 1, Diego 0.
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood... Not enough sex.
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath. Every time I have a suicidally bad day, I take this book off the shelf and wonder what she would have done with a bottle of Prozac.
Dune - Frank Herbert... UGH. No fuckin thanks.